So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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