he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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