I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
