Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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