You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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