At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
