why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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