my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
