i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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