Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
