Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
