I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
