A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
