I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
