Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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