I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
