Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
