His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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