what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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