Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
