He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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