Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
