Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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