I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
