I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
