My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
