My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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