well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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