his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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