im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
