Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
