he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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