If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize