who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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