So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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