tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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