Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
