One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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