Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize