I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
