Non-Jews are for practice
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
