I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize