I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
