Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
