Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize