i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
