so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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