Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
