is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
