If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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