No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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