this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
