Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
