When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize