So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
