I feel great
I just peed on a car
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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