it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
In America we eat man semen.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
