true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize