i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
you made out with another girl for some wings
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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