Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
